Party Trick (not the dancing kind...)
As the holidays approach, there’s an uptick in social gatherings at work, with family and friends. Forge deeper connections by implementing this two-step process to make sure you’re listening to help the talker feel seen, heard, and understood.
I’ve noticed that people either want advice or to vent. Generally, people who wish to receive advice are clear in their expectations. They may say, “In your opinion…,” or “What do you think?” or even “What have you done?” When you hear those cues, feel free to share your opinion or advice.
However, it becomes murky when the other person wants to express their feelings or to vent. If you are not sure what the person wants, it’s perfectly ok to ask if they want your advice or express their point of view, but then it’s time to activate your listening powers! Remember to start by making eye contact and nod your head to let the other person know you are still with them. Then, build more active listening muscles with the steps below.
1. Acknowledging what the person said is the best way to make sure the other person knows that you are listening. “Acknowledging is a deep level of mirroring back, or paraphrasing, what they just said.” (IPEC).
Possible approaches for acknowledging WHAT the person is saying:
What you’re saying is…
Let me see if I get this…
I’m hearing you say…
Let me give that back to you so we can make sure I got it...
If you stop at this first step, you are well on your way to becoming a more active listener! But if you are looking to create a deeper connection, try step 2.
2. Next, validate the other person’s feelings. When the listener confirms, it lets the talker know that they have every right to feel the way that they do. Validating is not a judgment of right or wrong nor agreeing with them. You’re just letting them know that you can see things from their perspective.
Possible approaches for validating HOW the person is feeling:
It makes sense that you would feel this way because…
You have every right to feel that way because…
It can be upsetting when something like that happens.
We each have the power to create a positive interaction, and it starts with flexing your active listening skills. When you really listen to what is said and what is not said, the impact on the listener is profound. I’m not perfect, but I’m intentional to practice these skills with my clients, colleagues, family, and friends. Progress, not perfection.
Happy Holidays!
Xo,
Tracy
If you found this article helpful, check out a related blog, “That Darn Gremlin Message…”.